I am scared

So, I am scared. For the future. All of my friends I feel like are going to leave me. I always seem to cut myself down to one or two friends and then they do something and I end of losing them. I have already lost lindsey, then there was shay, leslie is in her own little world type thing, and priscilla but we NEVER see eachother sadly. .. And as of right now my best friend is erika white. Secondly,, strangely enough is clifford morrison. Cliff leaves for new zealand soon. And erika, well I think she wants to go to japan.. Which is totally awesome...

I always pictured myself as a leader, not a follower. But recently I realized I am a follower. I was going to follow taylor to commerce. *luckily didn't go* and now I am following erika and cliff to UNT. Never ever dreamed I would be going there. I mean I never even had heard of the college until erika told me she was applying..

All this came into realization about a week ago. I mean. I do have my own sort of independence about me. But my dreams. I feel like I don't have any. I mean.

To be famous, leave my mark. Discover something. Those are my dreams. But it seems I have no sense of how to get there. I have no goal plan set out. I want to go to pre-med of coarse. But heck even that is changing now. I do not know what I want in life.
Anything to be successful.

Life can get so complicated

So, I know that is has been a while since I have updated this thing and there is a lot to put on here.

Today is mine and josh's one month anniversary. Yay us. He is so sweet and amazing. I hate that I have to leave for college. And I wonder why couldn't he have came into my life sooner. :/
Our relationship is moving fast. It is scary.

I had orientation at UNT yesterday. Had a lot of fun, and learn a lot of good information. I was registered for all my classes. Cept I wasn't able to take math 1100. When ntcc will let me. Which is stupid. I am going to take it over the summer at ntcc.
I am kinda down right now. A lot. Becuase even with all my financial aid I get. I still owed over $1000.00 on my class. Just my classes. Not including books. And the $4000.00 I need for housing. I just don't know. :( .. I do not know how I am going to afford everything. They make this so difficult. And they wonder why the U.S. Is falling behind. I am scared. Ready to be in college. But scared on how to pay for it. Terrified. Please something good happen. Please. :(

things finally are starting to look better

So. as the title reads... things are finally starting to look up...

My mom: So she moved to Alabama to get away from here.. and i believe it was the best move.. she found her a job. working at belk. and she is living in the Phoenix house thing.. it is like an out-patient program where they basically teach you how to live your live without drugs. and how to spend your money. it is doing her good.

my dad: still on the pills. but he is getting better *he says* and he started his shutdown finally and the paychecks has started to come in for him. all of our bills are caught up. now maybe he can work on the $700.00 that they owe me for the cell phone and insurance and such.. i hope..

college: all my financial aid was released. and i know for a fact that i will be able to go this spring.. and that makes me SO SO SO happy that i am getting back into school. really happy.

work: sucks as usual. but it is paying my bills so i guess i should be happy..

car: is ALMOST paid off only like 7 months!! yes yes.. it may seem like a lot but compared to like 30 months.. its amazing.

that drive...

When I was younger in middle school and high school.. I remember I had the mind set. No one was gonna beat me. I would always make sure I pushed myself harder to make sure I outdid everyone else. I would run the mile, do the most sit ups, and push ups, stay in the game the longest, jump the highest.. And I did too.... I did all those things... So what happened.. Where did that drive go?....
I have gotten so lazy.. I know I should run, and workout.. But I am just so lazy.. I don't have that mind set anymore...
I need to get it back.

settled in.. once again..

so here i am sitting in my bed. been a couple months since i have done that. i moved everything out of tina's house this morning while she was asleep. and said goodbye to the camera. knowing she would see it. me and dad moved everything out of *my room* and fixed up my bed and such. with my dresser and all the essentials.. still a little left to do. but not much.

so again. here i am sitting in my bed. waiting till closer to 12 so i can head to brookshire's to work.

again. feel like i am hating life. when it was getting so good. and i felt like i could accomplish the things i needed to. but i am once again. worrying about college. hoping that everything goes smoothly. hating work.

something always has to happen. it could have been worse.

Dream/ Nightmare

So the other night I had the weirdest dream i have probably ever had...it didn't make any sense to me at all.. so i sent to it Erika.. and she told me what she thought..my part is kinda choppy, as i typed it into my blackberry memo as soon as i woke up because i really wanted to remember this dream.

*MY PART*
Set in old pasture. Foot raced. Ended up at this weirD house. Some one having a baby. Baby was born a girl. Felt so upset took off running. Heard weird voice in my head. Some guy. Told me his spririt lived in me and that's why I am have such a weird personality.. Showed me a picture of him. High cheek bones. Black to redish hair. And skinny. Full lips. Picture found in the pasture. Said he was from a something and vampiric decent and the paintings eyes glowed yellow. Then he said that the spririts were coming that he had to go. Took off running back to the house across the pasture. Was attacked by wolves outside the house. Hollored for help. Was. Rescued. Mom hugged me. Woke up. Weird dream.

*ERIKA'S PART*
Whoa! That is weird. Here's my analysis:The old pasture may represent the past, or nostalgia. Racing represents time flowing, and the weird house represents the present. From what I get, you're upset because of a big change (sym. the baby, since having a child is a major life-affecting thing) that may or may not affect you directly (you and me going to college.) About the spirit, your grandfather used to call you a golden child, yes? Maybe something inside you wants you to re-connect with your inner spirituality, because you might seem to have lost it (Emeral...?) Could also mean that you subconsciously want to go back to the time when you were connected, (going back to the pasture (past))since life was so much simpler and seemed almost ethereal. Also, a lot of your vampire books are coming out this month, right? Haha. Back to the present, the wolves may be the many conflicts you have,
and will resolve (transcript issues, work stress, etc.) with the help of others if you ask for them. And you miss your mom.Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. I wrote my interpretations on your dream as soon as I thought them.

so i thought what Erika said make sense you know.. and i was all for it you know.. going to college and being scared.. have stress..yeah.. made sense.. until now..

earlier while i was doing my Jillian Michaels workout Tina * Erika's mom* came outside. she said that she had to talk to me. Now she had been acting weird since i got to her house around 8:30 p.m., but i wasn't for sure what it was. but anyway.. she came outside and said that we need to talk. and i was all like *oh no, what did i do* then she tells me that she was under the impression that i was going to move out when Erika went off to college.... *i don't know if i ever recorded that i was living with her and Erika, since my parents were kicked out of their house and all the drama that was going on, but yeah i am*... and then she tells me that she feels bad, that i am a great person.. but she can not afford me.. which i understand.. its hard to support people.. but i really did try to use as little water and electricity as possible.. i always unplugged all my stuff and made sure lights were off in the house.. i didn't even really watch TV when i was at the house.. i bought my own food so she wouldn't feel like she had to and even tried to buy them food when i could, and washed all the dishes that i used after i used them.. but i guess she still felt like she was supporting me. then needless to say. she asked me to move out of her house by the end of the week. which i do scanning tomorrow night so i will just do it all tomorrow. all i have are clothes and a few essentials here. so it wont be hard.. just one load of stuff. i text Erika and told her. she said she was sorry. i hate to talk to her about her mom making me leave but i needed to speak with someone. i then walked down to the road and cried. i couldn't help it. i knew she is not trying to be mean, and i understand where she is coming from. but it still hurts.

but NOW! back to where the dream come in.. while i was walking back from the road it just hit me.. this was my dream.. well at least the first part of it. so now.. i am saying that.. the first part of my dream, where i am foot racing, is me doing my Jillian Michaels workout, and then i find out that a little girl it born and it upsets me, so this would be the big thing that happens that upsets me - Erika's mom telling me how she feels- and then the last part of it is me taking off running, that would be me running to the road -where me and Erika used to always go and talk when we had something on our mind.

so now the thing is.. where does the guy and the wolves come in? please don't be anything bad, something that i can not handle.

i got a feeling...

so... after so many days and night of blah-ness.. i am trying to be happy.. it is working somewhat.. work still sucks.. but i try not to think about it.. and i am still excited about going to UNT in the spring.. ready to get on with the rest of my life.. one month closer to getting my car paid off... getting things settles between me and my parents.. mom is in Tuscaloosa.. it is hard.. but she found her a job at Belk today.. so hopefully it will get her mind off other things.. yeah.. dad is fixing to start a shutdown out... i told him he can keep his phone until october if he will switch the insurance into mom's name.. so then i will not have to worry about him cutting off my insurance.. .. so yeah..

On the move

So I am curently in the passenger seat of my rendezvous.. Outside of vicksburg. My mom driving. On our way to my grandma's house... Yay.. I think it is going to do my mom some good to get away from east texas... And I spoke with my dad.. I am going to see if he will just get another phone and give that his to me.. And then swap the insurance into my moms name.. So then I would be able to break off ties with him.. Its not that I want to...but it would just be a cleaner break. Him to go to OK with him family. And my mom move to AL with nana. And me move to UNT for college... Wow.. My family has really split up.. Its so crazy.. But I guess it is all apart of growing up... I

I am tired... Didn't get much sleep today.. And having to make this trip tonight.. But I am off until monday... So I can rest tomorrow... Show my mom around tuscaloosa a little bit... And btw tomorrow night I am eating my a hardies burger!!! Hehe * yay me erika*

As things move up...

so.. i called UNT denton about the conditionally thing.. and the guy told me not to worry about it.. that i am accepted just they havent gotten all my transcript and transfer credits and such into my account yet.. so everything is all gravy... i spoke with erika a lil bit this morning.. its crazy how much i actually miss you.. i didnt think it would be this bad.. and too think.. it honestly has not even been a week yet...
so here i am sitting in the stupid gas station.. once again.. blogging.. probably fixing to go ask for a pee break... lol... my mom moved back in with pat... she had a slight chance of relapsing... which is bad.. but she is getting better.. so once less thing to worry about.. i am hoping she moves to alabama with my grandma and gets a job there.. i think it would really do her some good.. i know it would be hard.. but people do hard things all the time.. its life... the money situation is not looking any better... cept i am one more month down from getting my rendezvous paid off.. next june. next june. i can not wait.

next june.. i hope to have completed my freshman year of college.. maybe starting on summer coarses..having my car paid off.. saving money.. and paying back the loans that i am more than likely going to have to take out in order to pay for my housing.. but you know what.. i am going.. i have to.. nothing can stop me.. please nothing stop me.

lying here in this bed....

so.. it hasnt even been a week since erika left and i am already so blah.. i wish the world would stop. i hate my job. it sucks completely. you know.. what used to send me into a blah phase would be me going for a long period of time without doing anything. and once i got to where i was busy then everything would be fine. i would come out of my blah phase and everything would be happy. that thing to keep my busy used to be work.. but now it doesnt even do it for me anymore. i hate going to work. i hate being at work. i hate leaving work because i know that it just means i am going to have to return to it the next day.
i miss erika. i try to talk to her. but she *wont/cant* answer. because she is either busy with her new friends. or busy with classes *which started today* ... i used to be able to call her and she would answer.. i could walk into the next room and she say hey. and tell her about my day.. but now i dont have that.. i miss it.. ugh.. i hate this.. i hate being sad. i hate wanting to cry.. please help me fix it.. i do not know what to do.. it seems like every post now is about something sad.. but i dont want my life to be just sadness.. ugh.. ugh.. ugh ;_;... this sucks..

on a plus note. i did get officially accepted into UNT.. or so i thought.. but it says *conditionally accepted* not sure what that means.. which sucks face... so yeah... i hope it isnt to bad.. please dont be bad...

I feel like crying.

I feel like crying. I don't understand it. I am so sad though. I do not like what my life has become. It revolves around work and money. Like everyone elses. But blah. This sucks.. I am bored. With nothing to do.
I felt like crap so I went and did some exercising and took a shower hoping that it would cheer me up. But it hasn't. I guess the blah phases are going to become just a part of my life...
I finally got everything taken care of with commerce and UNT transcript crap. And the UNT person told me they would take it off so they could process my application and I should know an answer pretty soon.. But it has been since yesterday morning.. And still no answer.. Blah... I hope to find out tomorrow.. Maybe that will cheer me up.. I hope so...
I amso broke.. I have like $5.00 in my name... And by parents have already asked me three times this week to borrow money.. But I keep telling them no. And my mom keeps getting mad at me.. But owell... I need that money for college..
I need something to do.. Someone to talk to.. Someone to hang out with.
Please blah phase.. Go away soon.

do you ever wonder?

do you ever wonder what you life would be like if something had turned out differently... i do...

everyonce in a while i get into this really blah phase... and sad mood.. i cant help it.. i just get through it ya know?

I graduated form Hughes springs high school.. with little regrets.. maybe done a couple things here or there... but nothing major... but i didnt graduate who i always pictured me being.. who i always wanted to be... i had great friends but sometimes i just wonder...

when i was little my family moved around alot... and one of those times i moved.. i moved to pittsburg... now there were a lot of complications living there.. due to my step dad and and his ex living in the same city.. but it was working.. or so i thought..

but i attending pitsburg school longer than i had any school then.. from fourth till the end of fifth grade...
and i loved it.. i was popular... and had loads of friends... i just fit in there.. i know that is was so long ago and we were so young.. but still...i played sports and was good at them.. i was in the 6th grade band... with all my friends... it just seemed like everyone got along... and when my parents made me move... i just never got that experience again... i didnt do athletics at hughes springs.. i was just young and scared at the new school.. wanting to get settled in... but i had become so accustomed to pittsburg school that i didnt know how to make any new friends.. and it was honestly until the beginning of the second semester that i met lindsey weems and things started getting better.. but still i was just always just awkward... never had more than three friends at a time... in pittsburg i could be smart and nerd out with all my friends.. but in hughes springs.. there just wasnt any people like that.. that got me.. its sad.. but looking back on it.. its true..

and now that i have gradated.. i have one good close friend.. erika white... and i love her to death... but sometimes... i wonder what it would have been like if i had stayed in pittsburg school...

i looked at some of my old pittsburg friends profiles online.. and see that my same group of friends that i hung out with.. are still together... and they look so happy and exciting... and i just know that if i would have stayed there.. i would be in those pictures with them.. all happy... not socially awkward...

but alas.. you cant change the past... but

do you ever wonder?

So weird.. It can be a 100 degrees outside but when your sad and hurt you want to grab a hoodie and wrap up in it to hide yourself

blah mood is over. for the most part.

so my last post was about my blah mood and i ma here to say now.. that i think it is over.. i think the reason i was so blah.. is because i was holding on to certain things form my past... that just didnt need to be held on to any longer... i realized it is just time for me to move on.. me and happy.. but alas that is easier said than done.. but i am working on it.. trying to woo a specific someone.. lets hope everything goes well.. yeah..

will my blah mood end?/?

i can't seem to shake my blah mood. but maybe that is because i have yet to find the cause of it... money? work? parents? all three.. that would be my guess... today my day started off just fine.. then scanning verification just put my in a bad mood. and it only went downhill from there..i started feeling sick. and i got a headache.. i couldnt reach any of my friends.. i feel like i am drowning... in over my head... submersed into the world too quickly... but thats not right... i should be able to handle this.. so why can i not?? it makes me sad.... very sad... ...

on a plus note.. my parents are looking into this new house.. in town.. which is great because this dirt road that we live on is killing my rendezvous.. but i am going to have to come up with the deposit for them.. plus pay my other bills... i am going to the bank tomorrow to try to get another loan.. wish me luck.. i need it.. maybe i can get 6 or 7 hundred.. that would help out tremendously...

So jw spoke to me today. I really want to say the truth.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

gah what is wrong with the world?

so omg. what is wrong with the world right now. everything seems off. and like i went today without texting anyone first just to see if anyone would text me first and be all like *hey whats up* like i do with them. and guess what. no suprise. NO ONE text me. NO ONE. so what does that mean? i am not sure how to take it. to my friends really not like me? or am i just the conversation starter? idk. it kinda worries me. erika has been in this blah mood lately. and i dont know how to help her. i feel so sad. and like another thing is JW. i wanna tel him i like him. so why cant i? cuz he is straight? but he flirts with me. everyone i ask about it tells me to just go for it. but i am so scared. if i do it, i will let you know what happens.
another sad face. i just finished drinking my last mountain dew! gah is there no end to this sadness? haha.
so umm i guess so i will remember. and no one reads this blog anyway. i will explain what i mean about JW. he is the original talk dark and handsome. so i wonder why he doesnt has a girlfriend. he is supposely straight but he seems to just go outta his way to say hi to me at work. he doesnt give me the i secretly like you look though which makes me wanna throw the thought outta my mind. like he will flirt it seems. i will wear a pencil in behind my ear and we will always still it from me or flick it out and then smile at me? but is that flirting? i dont know. i was never really good at this. he will like lightly trip me when i walk by then smile about it? is that flirting? but also we will volunteer to do stuff for me. like open the door for me or go put back any *putbacks* but i mean. i can make anyone go put something back for me. just is he just treating me with a higher respect becuase i am a rank ahead of him? gah i just dont know. i really wish i did. i feel so lonely sometimes. specially with the coming months. i need to find new friends...
i wanna move outta my parents house so bad. but i just cant afford it. and i wanna go to college so bad. but without my parents taxes and crap i can not get any fn fafsa help. which sucks face! becuase i cant afford college on my own... so am i at in my life that i want to be. NO. am i making it. YES. but i dont want to be *just making it* :(

Sitting scannin

So if the opportuntity presented itself in two months. Would I take the monte carlo? Just say NO. Cuz in two months you will only have ten more payments on your rendezvous! Then it will be paid off! Compeltely. That would be an extra $400 a month. You could save up enough money to get a mustang or something better by then. So just be patient. Be patient. That is wat it takes right. *good things come to those who wait* that is my new fav motto. Just wait. And see what it brings you. Btw sad cuz also in two months. Erika will be leaving to college. :( :( :( :( so sad. I don't know what I am going to do with out her. Gah. This blog is so blah tonight. But this is a very blah night. Blah cars. Blah scanning. Blah work. Blah life.

Not looking forward to scanning tonight with jeanie. :( and poor monte carlo. Owell. back to wanting my camaro.

General observation.
People are oblivious to what it right in front of their face.

figuring out my future plans

so ok i am trying to hard to get back into college not that it is a hard thing to do. but i mean. i *took a year off* and am now trying to get back into it.
i have been looking some stuff up. and i know that i am going to be doing to biomedical science program at ntcc for two years and then transferring to A&M college station for the remainder of my degree. if i made all a's and b's in my math and science classes and i have atleast a 3.6 GPA then i am guranteed a spot in the A&M biomedical science program which is awesome! but like i did some research and made sure that eveyrthing i was doing was on the right track. so this is what i have figured out.

do become and anesthesiologist i will need to grad high school *duh* but then get a degree in premed or biology or something. so that is what my major is. but then i was confused on if it was the right thing to take to become an anesthesiologist. but i finally found the answer on a yahoo answer *thank you yahoo* but anyway. the answer is yes.

i will get my bachelors in biomedical science and the specialize in anesthesiology in medical school. so i am doing everything right!! i will have to retake my ACT for sure to get a higher score. and i will have my MCAT to study for so i can get into med school with no problem. i really really hope that everything goes according to plan.

i really do not wanna live in poverty for the rest of my life.

a regular anesthesiologist start out at over 200k a year. that is almost 4000 week. would be so happy and rich. not happy because i was rish but happy becuase i would be able to survive and not have to worry about bills and such. so wish me luck please. i need it.





ok so this is a lil bit later but same day. i was looking into med schools. and i found a med school i want to attend. southwestern medical school. yay

my thinking in the gas station.

so usually my thinking and being alone in the gas station is really bad. but today i have been thinking about space and time and such. and i have come to the conclusion that i believes proves that time doesnt exist.

Time is based of light. and without light he would have nothing. we go by our rotation around the sun. and when we look at the sun we are actually seeing 8 min and 17 secs into the past.

so a question to myself when i feel like this again. since black holes absorb all the light around then. it stops time. *correct* so is there a way to actually reverse time? i believe idk. like you cant undo the changes that things made based off time. but can you go back into time? it confuses me. we cant ungrow but like. light that is already seen. what would happen when you take it back. ugh so confused will edit it. when i can get my thoughts straight. -kota


part 2 like five min later.

you can't go back into time. but you can see the past. if that makes sinse to you. it does to me. you wouldnt be able to change the past but you could see it. if we had the technology to somehow reservese the way light travelled. but then again the objects that the light bounced off of would be moved. but the light would have already been there. so would it matter? i dont think it would. becuase it has already happened. you would just be viewing what has ready happened. becuase even though the object has moved. if you reversed the light travel. you would be seeing the light hit off and return to the exact spot where it bounced off the object. and see where the light changed and made colors when certain rays bounced off and others absorbed. so even though the object wouldnt be there. you would see it as if it is there.

so for now. can you travel back into time. no. but can you see into the past. yes.

movie time!

so i have am home for the weekend. heading back this afternoon so i can wake up early and be on the set of la art show. which is so cool. i am extremely tired considering i have to be there at 530 am so i get up at like 330 or 4. because we have to wear a tux and stuff. and it takes about 45 min to an hour to get there! but i have had a lot of fun. this past week was all day shoots for about 15 hours a piece. so yeah big bucks XD i met some cool people. and i actually met the people from ktbs channel three news and spoke to them XD it was cool. and i am currently sitting in the gas station at work being bored. but its alright. i like it like this. it gives me time to blog! XD

and to give an update on the whole moving and transferring thing to store 606 in longview. needless to say i didnt do it. i was have been using way to much gas just to get to work and back. it was cheaper to stay here in DF. so i will just have to put up with the bs and deal. like everyone else. and the occasional vacations for the movie and stuff helps. alot.

i got into trouble for not being nice to the customers the otherday. i was *short* with them. i am just tired of people taking advantage of us. you know. like enough is enough. and some people up there just let the customers walk all over them. i am one of the few who will tell a customer no. and on that note. i will get off here. thanks for listening. though i know no one reads this thing cept me XD when i wanna remember things that has happened :)

Cont from walla go.

And my birthday is friday!!! Yay. I will be 19 and I plan on going to six flags for my bday. Not exactly on friday. But like the next week cuz I will have my income tax!! It is going to be mailed out on my birthday. And I am currently debating on if I should transfer to longview 606 to be their service trainer. Not sure if the extra $40. A month in gas will be worth the $1.80 raise I will get. But who noes I may not evan get the job. Their is a rumor going on right now about tanguma maybe wanting to get rid of me cuz of my sexual orientation. And the more I think about it. It seems true. Seems he has had it out for me since my very first day on 12-13-08. So who knows. Pretty stupid since I work better and harder than any of those blonde bimbos who slob his knob. Stupid whores. I will never gain raises and crap by doing that. It is degrading. *fyi I am chilling out to *im-ma be* by the
blackeyed peas* but yeah. I am going to speak. Mrs jeanie later at work and see what she thinks. I hate daingerfield brookshires. But do I really have any choice. Cuz I don't know if I could afford to work in LV and attend NTCC. :( so ugh. Choices choices. But everything will go right. I have faith it will. And one day. Tanguma will get what he has coming.... One day. People like that can't just get away with stuff like this. Though he has for 10 years. I will be the one to change it. Wish me luck. I

Erika will be leaving for unt in june. What will I do then. I guess lv would be the best choice for me. Get my new life going. I have always had atleast one best friend who Is a girl. Lindsey, but she is doing the college thing. When I didn't have lindsey I found priscilla at infinity camp. But she lives in greenville. And now erika leaving me. It makes me so sad. Really sad. Specially since angela will be moving to dallas too when she grads from her program in may. Ugh. So now as I am writing this blog longview seems the more plausible choice. Just gotta get rid of this fn rendezvous payment and I will be ok I think. I think. But it wll be paid off in june 2011. Hey that is the same month my debit card expires!!! XD. And its 11:56. And mrs jeanie still isn't here. Guess I will go in and start getting stuff ready. Like ad and stuff. Go me. Stupid blond bimbos.

So. I'm sitting in the parking lot at brookshires. Waiting for mrs jeanie. I am singing josh turner *would you go with me*

So. Coach barnes used to always talk about Long terms goal. So I am setting a couple of goals now. Have a laptop by august. Have a motorcylce by the time in 23. And a camaro by the time I am 30. Hope it works out!!!

So. Yeah. I'm sitting in the brookshires parking lot. Waiting a lil bit till I go clock in to do tags. Yay! XD

Omg!! Does this thing still work?????