It has been so long since I have actually cried. wept. let one tear trickle down my face.
but tonight. I want to. I long to cry.
I was taught at a young age not to cry. To not show my emotions. Is that why I have such a hard time now?
I want to cry tonight. To let my emotions free. To let all of this anger, and pain, and jealousy out. The build up is getting to be to much.
I have a problem. I assume it is a problem, and it seems to get me into more trouble than what trouble it worth.
I long to feel needed, to feel loved, and included. I thrive on it. and when I do not get it. I become depressed. I get angry. I withdraw into myself. I hate that I do it. I wish I knew how to fix it.
I can not bring myself to say anything to people. Because in my eyes I see myself as small, insignificant, and not worth their time. I think about how weird they think that I am, and even when I am in large crowd, I still feel alone.
Is this why I long to be in a large city? Where I am constantly crowded with people. Where I am constantly busy? People have called me a workaholic and a schoolaholic. But it only becuase I immerse myself so deeply in what I am doing. That I do not feel anything. I do not have to think about anything.
But the thing is. I now live in a large city. I go to a large college. I am surrounded by thousands of people. And even with all this. I still somehow feel alone. Unneeded. Insignificant. Small. Not worth their time.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I have recently been trying to get back into touch with God. So this is for you.
Please help me with this one.
I know that everything you have thrown at me was a challenge Lord, and I thank you for making me and a stronger person. But this is one just too large for me to be able to handle alone.
I need your help.
You have always been there for me. I know that you have. I recognize this. Help me ease my pain and anger. Let my jealousy flow out of me. Let me become a stronger person through you Jesus Christ. Let me know that I am not alone. That you are always with me, and through you Lord.
I will be great.
I need your help.
