that drive...

When I was younger in middle school and high school.. I remember I had the mind set. No one was gonna beat me. I would always make sure I pushed myself harder to make sure I outdid everyone else. I would run the mile, do the most sit ups, and push ups, stay in the game the longest, jump the highest.. And I did too.... I did all those things... So what happened.. Where did that drive go?....
I have gotten so lazy.. I know I should run, and workout.. But I am just so lazy.. I don't have that mind set anymore...
I need to get it back.

settled in.. once again..

so here i am sitting in my bed. been a couple months since i have done that. i moved everything out of tina's house this morning while she was asleep. and said goodbye to the camera. knowing she would see it. me and dad moved everything out of *my room* and fixed up my bed and such. with my dresser and all the essentials.. still a little left to do. but not much.

so again. here i am sitting in my bed. waiting till closer to 12 so i can head to brookshire's to work.

again. feel like i am hating life. when it was getting so good. and i felt like i could accomplish the things i needed to. but i am once again. worrying about college. hoping that everything goes smoothly. hating work.

something always has to happen. it could have been worse.

Dream/ Nightmare

So the other night I had the weirdest dream i have probably ever had...it didn't make any sense to me at all.. so i sent to it Erika.. and she told me what she thought..my part is kinda choppy, as i typed it into my blackberry memo as soon as i woke up because i really wanted to remember this dream.

*MY PART*
Set in old pasture. Foot raced. Ended up at this weirD house. Some one having a baby. Baby was born a girl. Felt so upset took off running. Heard weird voice in my head. Some guy. Told me his spririt lived in me and that's why I am have such a weird personality.. Showed me a picture of him. High cheek bones. Black to redish hair. And skinny. Full lips. Picture found in the pasture. Said he was from a something and vampiric decent and the paintings eyes glowed yellow. Then he said that the spririts were coming that he had to go. Took off running back to the house across the pasture. Was attacked by wolves outside the house. Hollored for help. Was. Rescued. Mom hugged me. Woke up. Weird dream.

*ERIKA'S PART*
Whoa! That is weird. Here's my analysis:The old pasture may represent the past, or nostalgia. Racing represents time flowing, and the weird house represents the present. From what I get, you're upset because of a big change (sym. the baby, since having a child is a major life-affecting thing) that may or may not affect you directly (you and me going to college.) About the spirit, your grandfather used to call you a golden child, yes? Maybe something inside you wants you to re-connect with your inner spirituality, because you might seem to have lost it (Emeral...?) Could also mean that you subconsciously want to go back to the time when you were connected, (going back to the pasture (past))since life was so much simpler and seemed almost ethereal. Also, a lot of your vampire books are coming out this month, right? Haha. Back to the present, the wolves may be the many conflicts you have,
and will resolve (transcript issues, work stress, etc.) with the help of others if you ask for them. And you miss your mom.Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. I wrote my interpretations on your dream as soon as I thought them.

so i thought what Erika said make sense you know.. and i was all for it you know.. going to college and being scared.. have stress..yeah.. made sense.. until now..

earlier while i was doing my Jillian Michaels workout Tina * Erika's mom* came outside. she said that she had to talk to me. Now she had been acting weird since i got to her house around 8:30 p.m., but i wasn't for sure what it was. but anyway.. she came outside and said that we need to talk. and i was all like *oh no, what did i do* then she tells me that she was under the impression that i was going to move out when Erika went off to college.... *i don't know if i ever recorded that i was living with her and Erika, since my parents were kicked out of their house and all the drama that was going on, but yeah i am*... and then she tells me that she feels bad, that i am a great person.. but she can not afford me.. which i understand.. its hard to support people.. but i really did try to use as little water and electricity as possible.. i always unplugged all my stuff and made sure lights were off in the house.. i didn't even really watch TV when i was at the house.. i bought my own food so she wouldn't feel like she had to and even tried to buy them food when i could, and washed all the dishes that i used after i used them.. but i guess she still felt like she was supporting me. then needless to say. she asked me to move out of her house by the end of the week. which i do scanning tomorrow night so i will just do it all tomorrow. all i have are clothes and a few essentials here. so it wont be hard.. just one load of stuff. i text Erika and told her. she said she was sorry. i hate to talk to her about her mom making me leave but i needed to speak with someone. i then walked down to the road and cried. i couldn't help it. i knew she is not trying to be mean, and i understand where she is coming from. but it still hurts.

but NOW! back to where the dream come in.. while i was walking back from the road it just hit me.. this was my dream.. well at least the first part of it. so now.. i am saying that.. the first part of my dream, where i am foot racing, is me doing my Jillian Michaels workout, and then i find out that a little girl it born and it upsets me, so this would be the big thing that happens that upsets me - Erika's mom telling me how she feels- and then the last part of it is me taking off running, that would be me running to the road -where me and Erika used to always go and talk when we had something on our mind.

so now the thing is.. where does the guy and the wolves come in? please don't be anything bad, something that i can not handle.

i got a feeling...

so... after so many days and night of blah-ness.. i am trying to be happy.. it is working somewhat.. work still sucks.. but i try not to think about it.. and i am still excited about going to UNT in the spring.. ready to get on with the rest of my life.. one month closer to getting my car paid off... getting things settles between me and my parents.. mom is in Tuscaloosa.. it is hard.. but she found her a job at Belk today.. so hopefully it will get her mind off other things.. yeah.. dad is fixing to start a shutdown out... i told him he can keep his phone until october if he will switch the insurance into mom's name.. so then i will not have to worry about him cutting off my insurance.. .. so yeah..