I hate when i finish a great series of books. I feel so disconnected from reality and people. My head hurts from reading so much. And i become so submersed in the books while reading them -specially back to back- that when i finish, i am still in the mindset of the book world. And reality doesnt seem like reality. And i am out of it for the rest of the day if not next couple of days. Is this strange/bad?

tonight i want to cry.

It has been so long since I have actually cried. wept. let one tear trickle down my face.

but tonight. I want to. I long to cry.

I was taught at a young age not to cry. To not show my emotions. Is that why I have such a hard time now?

I want to cry tonight. To let my emotions free. To let all of this anger, and pain, and jealousy out. The build up is getting to be to much.

I have a problem. I assume it is a problem, and it seems to get me into more trouble than what trouble it worth.

I long to feel needed, to feel loved, and included. I thrive on it. and when I do not get it. I become depressed. I get angry. I withdraw into myself. I hate that I do it. I wish I knew how to fix it.

I can not bring myself to say anything to people. Because in my eyes I see myself as small, insignificant, and not worth their time. I think about how weird they think that I am, and even when I am in large crowd, I still feel alone.

Is this why I long to be in a large city? Where I am constantly crowded with people. Where I am constantly busy? People have called me a workaholic and a schoolaholic. But it only becuase I immerse myself so deeply in what I am doing. That I do not feel anything. I do not have to think about anything.

But the thing is. I now live in a large city. I go to a large college. I am surrounded by thousands of people. And even with all this. I still somehow feel alone. Unneeded. Insignificant. Small. Not worth their time.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I have recently been trying to get back into touch with God. So this is for you.

Please help me with this one.

I know that everything you have thrown at me was a challenge Lord, and I thank you for making me and a stronger person. But this is one just too large for me to be able to handle alone.

I need your help.

You have always been there for me. I know that you have. I recognize this. Help me ease my pain and anger. Let my jealousy flow out of me. Let me become a stronger person through you Jesus Christ. Let me know that I am not alone. That you are always with me, and through you Lord.

I will be great.

I need your help.

sorry it has been so long

I need someone to talk to.

Things Happen.

So here is a recent update on everything I can think of.
I got to college safely :) everything was goinf great. And I was really enjoying myself. At first. Then I got bored.. Well *here comes the weird part* I was bored one night ans we had all went out to eat for aarons bday party.. And afterwards I was invited to a frat party..
I wanted to see how it was. If it was fun. So I went. Erika and cliff didn't. So anyway. Long story short I drunk like half a beer in four hours. It was discusting and I will probably never do it again. But I did it. Nothing bad happened thank goodness.. But when I got back I told erika what happened. At first she was mad at me. Now she isn't speaking to me. She needs her space. From me.

Why does she need space from me? I am a horrible person now? She makes me feel like she doesn't even want to be my friend. Why is this affecting her so badly? I really do not think it was that big of a deal. It wasn't like I got completely trashed.. So ugh. Wtf.. I hate my life. I don't even want to go to my classes anymore. .. I hate how things change.